heat advisory

in the last 7 years of living in NYC, there have been two days, that i know of, that have been designated as "heat advisory" days. these are days where it is too hot for you to even go outside. being outside should be done at your own risk and when you have fully hydrated. these days are exciting, the same way rainy days are, because you feel like you are forced to stay in the house. you can feel that even though the sun is shining and it looks like a glorious day to explore and exert energy, you really don't have do. in fact you shouldn't.
you are doing what you need to be doing. staying indoors. not letting the extreme heat effect you.
something about the ease of that feels just right. and lets you veg at home all day. without any feelings of guilt that you are missing out on summer.

breakfast sandwich.

There is this place that opened up downstairs. I think I have mentioned it before - a 24 hour organic grocery store. Literally right downstairs.
Now I have always been a fan of their things, although, admittedly, they are a little overpriced. However, during my much loved and cherished summer vacation, I get to actually appreciate the full value of this establishment.
Each time I go in, I discover something new and astonishing about them. Like take the other morning for example. It was the first day in summer thus far that I had truly slept in. Groggy, I realized what it was I wanted today. A breakfast sandwich. A breakfast sandwich and an iced coffee. I remembered my old favorite, the place I frequented when I lived a little further down the street. I'd pick up bagels from one place and walk next door to ask them to put the breakfast sandwich they make on my bagel instead of a roll. Bratty? Some may agree - I'd prefer to say that I just know what's good and I'll do whatever it takes to achieve it.
But this morning. This morning that I had slept in and was still a little groggy - that walk was sounding like just too much for a breakfast sandwich, good as it might be.
After taking far longer than needed to put on a dress and get out the door, I decided to just look downstairs and see what they have for breakfast. Maybe they will have a bagel with cream cheese? A croissant? Anything that would taste delicious.
I walk in and receive from them the look that I know means, "how nice that you woke up today" and I walked over to the guy behind the counter and asked if, by any chance, they made breakfast sandwiches.
Yup, we sure do, what do you want on it.
HUH?
What do you want on it?
omg omg omg, internalize, internalize, internalize.
Wait, you guys down here make breakfast sandwiches, like - on a bagel?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ON IT?

I quickly ordered and 2 minutes later was back upstairs taking a bite. Now this could be the most dangerous thing, but in that moment, it was as if the skies had opened up and dropped a little organic market right below my house. Where all my dreams came true.

forgiveness

forgiveness is such a difficult thing. particularly when you are in a position where you feel like the absolute LAST thing that you want to do is forgive.
but holding on to things eats away at you. it makes your soul stagnant. it doesn't allow you to soar. and inevitably, that effects your spirit and your outlook. you stop loving in the way that you used to, you stop giving in a way that's generous and kind, you stop being true to your real nature.

not forgiving causes a burden that you don't even realize is there. until you start to peel it off. even with a tiny peel and you see how different you feel.

there is, however, that fine line between forgiving and being naive. and i think it is the fear of the latter that forces us not to want to forgive. it is our need for justice that begins to cry out - forcing us to hold on to anger, hold on to hurt, hold on to pain.

but then comes that tough part of trusting that the justice comes, it always does. truth finds a way to shine. love finds a way to shine. and there is little you really need to do for that to happen than to wait. now, the thing is, that waiting can take a long time. it requires extreme patience. in that time of waiting, you have a choice. you can either hold on to anger, pain, and hurt and wait for justice to come knocking. or you can free yourself from those things. find love and peace and calm in your heart so that you have the capacity to move forward with grace, with dignity, with kindness.

there will always be that long awaited journey to justice. but how you choose to go down the road is the decision you will need to make for yourself.

and i know that, no matter how painful the circumstance, i choose love. i choose kindness. i choose forgiveness. because in the end, it actually is only hurting me to move forward in any other way.

getting started.

summer has completely started. it was one glorious incredible fantastical week where nothing in the world mattered. i swam, i biked, i talked, i laughed, i cried, i walked. i walked and walked a lot.

summer leads to endless nights. nights that drag on and on and can, because you don't have a care in the world.
i was out yesterday and met this guy. after he asked me what i do and i told him i work in a school - he realized i was on summer break. "ooohhhh, so is that why you have that relaxed calm glow about you?"
yup.
that's it. because that doesn't exist at any other time of the year. it comes out to greet me, and the rest of the wonderful people i encounter, during these months.

but it is this first week that is most refreshing. that allows for a certain sense of freedom that i haven't even let myself feel in so long. i can make spur of the moment decisions and just go with them.

it's been the perfect start to summer.

summer?

the first day of official summer just landed in my lap.
waking up with that deep deep sense of happiness knowing that you have completed a fantastic year is actually replaced with a pounding headache and the realization that you have weeks of exhaustion to overcome.
you stumble through the day more tired than you have been in weeks because even though psychologically you know that you can relax, emotionally and mentally you are still trying to recover from the stress of the last few days.
so your body is extra lethargic, extra slow, extra haggard.
it takes a good long while to start to actually realize that summer is actually here and that i can truly, for real, relax.

strung together

sometimes decisions come that shatter you. decisions that you wish could change but that you know won't. worlds turn upside down, swirl around, mix up.
everything changes and scatters and breaks.
you are left wondering how it even was glued together in the first place.
pain, hurt, anger, confusion, loyalty lost.
infringing on your kindness, eating at your honor, creeping it's way into your otherwise happy heart.
assumptions are made, worlds are shaken, loves and lives are lost.
unknown. all of it.
wishing someone gave you direction.
wishing someone told you how it all turns out.
trusting.
trusting a Higher power, something more than what this offers.
knowing that what is beyond is so much greater than what is here.
space and distance might change things but the heart is changed forever.

Why I Sometimes Hate Myrtle

It has been an incredibly insane weekend. Sometimes weekends are insane because you just have so many fun things planned and things you need to do that you are overwhelmed with the limited time and exhaust yourself in the process, but it's all fun. Then sometimes weekends are insane because you are faced with tragedy and have to figure things out, you are emotionally drained and have exuded all your emotional and mental energy. This particular weekend was filled with a little bit of both - making it even more impossible to get sleep.

So when I laid my head to rest at 1030 on Sunday evening, I was hoping, wishing, and praying for a good 8 hours of sleep - sleep that would prepare and rejuvenate me, and get me ready for my last week of work.

So when I was awakened at 4:00am by the sounds of Myrtle, you can imagine my complete disdain. Loud, incredibly loud music pounded it's way from a parked car on the street, up to my 3rd floor bedroom window. "It'll go away, no one can be that insensitive". It didn't. It pounded louder and louder. Obscene words started being shouted along with the deafening beat.

Is this for real?

I laid there in anger for about 3 minutes until I couldn't take it any more. I stood up and looked out the window. Found the culprit. Stood there for a good 5 minutes, imagining Samantha in Sex and the City when the noise to her window disturbed her peace. Granted I didn't live in SoHo and these weren't drag queens, but I imagined what she would have done. Eggs straight out the window and plopped right onto their heads. I thought about it. I did.

But alas didn't have the guts. So I crawled back into bed. And lie there, for the next 30 minutes, as the music and lyrics pounded into my brain, eyes wide open, sleep had completely escaped me.

Without going onto a whole other tangent about the plight of humanity, I just can't comprehend how anyone can think that it is OK to do something like that at that hour? It is a complete disregard for the inhabitants of the buildings of that street. It's so selfish and unfair. It just leaves you thinking - who do you think you are? It makes you hope that, when the time comes that you are the one whose actions are influencing others negatively (and that time will come, it always does), that you are aware enough to stop yourself, for the care and thoughtfulness of those around you. For the realization that we are all interconnected and our actions always have repercussions.

???

This always happens in the last few weeks of school. The line gets completely blurred between home life and work life and you're not sure where you ate your dinner and when sleep turned into just something you had to do to make it to the next day. Things that happened on a Monday feel like they happened 2 weeks ago. Your dreams begin playing out the to do lists that now cover your desk. You wake up and think - "YES! I took care of that" but then realize that subconsciously you had taken care of it while your body lay in a heap on your couch and that you still had plenty of work to do.
Mornings where it usually takes me minutes and minutes to get out of bed, I instead jolt straight up hours before is humanly necessary and get started. Most people take advantage of waking up early - they might go to the gym, sit with a cup of coffee, read a little. Nope. I clean. In fact yesterday I began purging clothes from my closet. Seriously?
It always happens these last few days of school. It's like somewhere in the universe you are being told that you need to work even harder for this summer that is to come. You need to give every single ounce of energy you have so the sweet taste of summer actually effects your taste buds.
7. more. days. and. counting.

no time to write.

the notebook on my iPhone is filled with ideas. moments of inspiration, funny anecdotes, things to remember.
ideas to blog about.
but then there is never time. days come and go. once thing leads to another and next thing i know it's 11pm. i sit up in bed, computer on my lap, eager to start.
one sentence later, my neck feels the weight of my head bobble forward, eyes close, and i only lift my head minutes later to find one letter traced across the screen.
too tired to continue i close the computer and surrender to sleep, PROMISING myself that tomorrow will be different.

the crazy lady.

You know the person who comes up to you at events, weddings, or parties - who is just a little too eccentric, they might be the ones that speak to themselves, laugh more at their own jokes and comments than anyone else does, and kind of just march to their own rhythm?
You ask yourself - who is this strange person? You interact to be kind, all the while wondering what you have to do to get out of the conversation.

Well, I have a stinking suspicion that at the last event I was at - I WAS THAT PERSON. The weird lady who keeps talking - I couldn't control myself! I kept giving one explanation after another, as if I had to explain the random, ridiculous phrase that had just left my lips. But with each sentence it grew worse. I KNEW that I should stop - my internal dialogue was stating, LOUD AND CLEAR, that this is not the right time...don't say that...who cares, no one needs to know this...

But I kept going.

I saw eyes glaze over and strange expressions pass across faces. I provided some meaningless joke to segway and then continued on to the next guest.

Inexcusable really.
I couldn't believe that I was THAT girl at the party. Hope this is just a passing phase.

PARTY BUS!!!

I walked out the door of the school and the parent on my left goes, "Is that ours? Is that what we are taking to the Museum? That party bus?"
Huh?

I look up and see an enormous long black bus, with tinted black windows, and HUGE letters across the side that say: NYC Party Bus! Oh dear God. This cannot be the bus that was sent to take myself and 12 of our families to the Bronx Museum of the Arts for a celebration of the art they have been working on this year.

I walk over cautiously and tap on the driver door window.
"Um, hi, is this for us?"
"For the kids, the kids?"
"Yes. That's us. Um. Ok. You are driving us to the Bronx?"
"Guess so."

Oh Geez. OK.
"Can I just have a look at the bus before I load families on?"

I step out to let him open the back door. I look into this alleged "Party Bus" - and it is exactly as the name implies. A semi circle of black leather couches, a stripper pole down the middle (yes, you read right), large screen TV's, and a huge stereo system. GULP.
"Um, sir? Are there no seat belts on this thing?"
I can feel my cool points dissolving before he even opens his mouth to answer.
I'm taking 15 children and 10 grown-ups on a bus across NYC without seat belts?

I emerge out of the darkness and as I do, I see 25 expectant sets of eyes on me, wondering what the results of my deliberations were. I smile (although fear is in my sunglass covered eyes) and give them a thumbs up. They cheer. Clearly they are way more excited than I am to have a potential lawsuit on my hands.

They hurriedly get on the bus while I explain to the bus driver that he needs to drive slower and more carefully than he has in his life and then tell all the families that bottoms stay on the (pimped out) black leather seats the ENTIRE time.

"What's the pole for?" I see the expectant eyes of a small child look up at me.
"Oh, that's just for friends who want to learn to be firemen - but we aren't going to practice that today. Have a seat...off we go!"

Party bus there, party bus back. Music blasting, all children safe.
I'll never look at party buses the same.

the Northeast

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Well, the train track to Boston is paved with picturesque towns that make you want to haul ass out of New York City.

I was completely blown away. Little creeks and rivers, ponds, lakes. And houses lining them, built into the hill, surrounded by trees, spilling into the water.

I love my City so much, but it is times like these that make you picture another life. Where your children play in big backyards, and the air is crisp and clean, and you can host whimsical garden parties on your back balcony, drink lemonade on a swinging bench hanging over your wrap-around porch.

Little New England towns that make you wonder how the other half lives.
It's just fun to imagine.

sleeping sun.

I had an early train. 7am to be precise. Out of Penn Station.
I was beyond exhausted (which is a phrase I have caught myself using more than a few times a day lately and I fear it is actually loosing meaning as it falls upon the hearers ears, so much so that they don't seize to appreciate and understand the brevity of the statement).
I had gone to bed late the night before, was all packed and ready to go. The alarm went off at 5:00am. My eyes were barely able to open. As though sleep himself had come and glued them shut. It was even harder to open them because of the intense glare coming from the window.
Wait? Is it 9am? Did I set my alarm clock wrong? Did I miss my train entirely?
I scrambled for my phone. Yup, there is was- 5:00am.
I had NO idea the sun shone so brightly at that time. Not only that but it sets way late in the evening at 9pm.
So little hours the sun gets to sleep. Making the days longer, giving us more time to enjoy what the word has to offer.

the architecture in New York City never ceases to amaze me. i'll think i've seen it all and then i'll pass by a place and it will all be new. now i know it's no Italy. but there is something about the diversity in the buildings, the fact that on any given corner, in any given neighborhood, you will see beauty in architecture, is incredible.
the other day i passed by city hall. i don't EVER EVER EVER walk by city hall in Manhattan! ever! i don't think i had ever even been there before.
and there i was. looking up, at such beauty.
i love moments when i feel like i'm 5 again. when the world is filled with wonder and amazement. i love moments like that because they keep me grateful and inspired.

for the love of glee

The thing is, that I love Glee. I mean I'm a lover of musicals. In my closet I have the play bills for all the musicals I have seen since I moved to NYC. There is quite a collection there. And so you see, Glee allows me to basically watch a musical every Tuesday evening. In the comfort of my own home, without forking over $98, and while still in my PJ's.
The episode where Sue's sister passes away and the glee club hosts a funeral has taken me over 2 weeks to sit down and watch. I wasn't sure why - it just felt like it might be too heavy. Like I had to be really ready to watch it.
So here I am, watching.
Bawling.
Singing.
Laughing.

Thank God this all happens in the privacy of my chambers.
And now, on to the season finale.

chocolate covered squares

never have i ever had something more delicious.
it is a graham cracker completely and totally covered in dark chocolate. completely. meaning that you have to bite through layers of dark chocolate to actually even get to the graham cracker middle.

they sell it downstairs. at the 24 hour organic market. not sure there is anything organic about it. but who cares.

it's the type of thing that you stay away from on your 4pm grocery shopping trip. proud of yourself for not indulging. because it's not just the 15 large chocolate covered squares that are a bad idea, the price is the real problem. it's like double guilt. $6.99 for a small bag? ridiculous.

but then. when you are watching your super indulgent show at 8pm. and all you really want is that dark chocolate....that's when the bad decisions happen. that's when who cares who cares that you will be spending 7 US dollars on a cookie. and who cares who cares that you really should be having fruit.

because, it's amazing. delicious. incredible.

i recommend it to everyone.

heart swells

bundles and bundles of love.
of joy and laughter.
of warmth.

it changes your life forever and nothing matters in the same way it used to.
other things start to matter.
and you find yourself taking life a little less seriously, and yet again all the more thoughtfully.

purity in their eyes.
soft skin.
tiny hands.

curiosity that spills from their babble and manifests itself in the pitter patter of their feet.

pure joy. love and joy.

I Eat Soho

My good friend Nabil has started a blog about eating establishments in SoHo, or rather, any area South of Houston. It's called: I Eat SoHo (www.ieatsoho.com). When I first started reading his blog I was impressed by the selection and the simplicity of a concept which catches on so quickly.

Inspired by his idea, I decided to try something similar on Tuesday evening. I have family in town visiting and thought this might be a prime opportunity to have us all eat our way through Manhattan. I only have a few days with them and TONS of delicious food I want them to try. SO why not do it all in one night?
We started out at the Mac Bar - on Prince Street - and ordered a mushroom mac and cheese baked small tray. Amazing. Cheesy, gooey, full of flavor. We each got about 4 or 5 mouthfuls.

Next, head on down Prince to Elizabeth. On that corner we walked straight into Cafe Habana. But just the side area, not the restaurant, because all we really wanted was corn. Corn smothered in mayo, Mexican cheese, and hot red pepper. Pretty much one of my all time favorite treats. One of the only things my parents crave when they visit me in NYC.

Happily we head up-town a bit. Joined by 2 others, the group is larger. We walk, walk, walk. And down 2nd Avenue we see the small teeny tiny store front of Pommes Frites - a hole in the wall french fry establishment. Only a few square feet wide, this place specializes in delicious fries accompanied with any type of sauce you can imagine. That's where the fun lies, in fact, in the sauce. We tried mango chutney and parmesan pepper - amazing.

At this point we should have stopped. It was humid out. So clothes were already sticking to us and the heavy food we had been consuming, as delicious as it was, was just not boding well. Did this stop us? No.

On we continued, just down the street...to the Dumpling Man. Hot, fresh dumplings were purchased and consumed. Each of us having an "I don't know if I can eat this" look on our faces but the chewing continued.

At this point we all began walking as though we were expecting, even though none of us were. The jeans that once loosely hung, hugged our skin both because of the humidity as well as the amount of food we had just consumed.

BUT.

We had one final destination.
Walk. Walk. Walk.
Momofuku Milk Bar. Pork Buns. We ordered 2 for the 5 of us. Took a bite and couldn't even bring ourselves to finish. It was TOO.MUCH.

My curly hair at this point had decided to really embrace humidity and began to frizz completely.
The black liner I had applied that morning had now begun to drip down my face.

Full.
Sweaty.
Yuck.
This tour was over.

11pm I finally opened the front door of my building. My doorman took one look at me and exclaimed - You're DRUNK!
I didn't have the energy to explain that I don't even drink.
I looked too much a hot mess for him to even try and believe me.

I'll leave the I Eat Soho to my friend Nabil.

perfect in diguise

I have learned so much in this past year. Most importantly, I would say is that I have learned to appreciate moments as they come. To understand that I am not perfect and therefore the things I do will have faults and will be opportunities for me to grow more. I now know that I have to embrace things - the good, the bad, and the ugly. And that sometimes the ugly is just the perfect in disguise.

It reminds me of the story of Leili and Majnoon. An old Persian story of a man and a woman who deeply loved one another. In his search for Leili, Majnoon started being chased by dogs who barked and and ran after him all over the town. Finally they led him to a stone wall and he had to climb that wall to escape them. Devastated, and sure he would now never find his love, he did so. And there, on the other side, was Leili. Waiting. At which point Majnoon thanked those dogs for that they are what brought him to his beloved.

It's the celebration of the messes. It's the perspective we wish we could have at the beginning, to save us from the stress and heartache.

Arguing

Today a 2nd grader had an argument with her brother, a Kindergarten. She was in utter disarray. Naturally having a flare for drama anyway, she was frustrated, crying, and couldn't believe the injustice. Her little brother just looked at her in disbelief, trying to understand what the argument was about to begin with.
After resigning to the fact that this problem was not going to get resolved in that moment, I sent her to her classroom to join her friends for the poetry lesson during writing time. Hours later, she shows me this, her experience (which is applicable, I'd say, to anyone, of any age), in poetry:

Arguing

When I get mad, I am red as blood. It sticks to me like glue.
When I get sad, I am blue as the sky. It sticks to me like honey.

But when I am both I feel as if I was purple. It sticks to me like cement.

Same to him.

A colorful fight of unhappiness and no one wins. We all lose.

And then we win.

Then red and blue and purple rise up again. Until then, no arguing.