insecurity

There is this really ugly thing called insecurity. It comes when you least expect it and it manifests itself in the strangest of ways. It can be triggered by a look, an action, or just a mere word. Most of the time, you don’t even know that it’s coming but when it hits it’s like a freight train. Totally and completely incapacitates you.

When you look at it from the outside, it seems so incredibly petty. Because you look at it and think – are you serious? This is bothering you? It feels more like things that might be a big deal when you are in high school, maybe college, but not now. Now we are all mature. Now we can all talk about our relationships and communicate how we feel and why we feel it. But, as my wonderful, beautiful, always right and honest friend says, we can’t help it - we are all human. It’s true. We are all insecure human beings looking for validation all the time. And when we don’t get it, then we feel taken advantage of, we feel unloved, and we feel broken.

But asking for that validation is scary. Asking for it makes you look weak and brings with it the fear of not knowing how you will be perceived. Again, that insecurity.

I’ve been thinking though, that all this insecurity comes when we do one thing – put too much importance on what other people think of us. We want to make him happy, show her how well we can do, tell them about our accomplishments to make them proud of us, the list goes on. But what about doing something to be proud of myself? What about feeling good about my own choices and doing things to make me happy?

Now I’ll digress for just a second here because this whole “does this make me happy” notion can often be mistaken in this nation that prides itself on over-individualization. My needs. My wants. My desires. We live in a society which breeds us to think and act in a way where our needs overshadow the needs of others and where we feel the need to become the center of all things important. But that’s not what I’m talking about here.

Doing things that make you happy and allow you to feel at peace are things that often do involve serving others, looking at the beauty of creativity, enjoying a good meal, sitting and breathing. Opening our minds and hearts to be better people. Making choices that make us happier so that we can give back. Clearing our minds of the debris that builds up and the dust that just lies there, making our souls stagnant. It’s the small decisions that we have to make. The tiny moments where we feel whole. And in those moments insecurity doesn’t exist because we are connected to the deep and meaningful reasons for happiness.

So even though a word is spoken, a glance is passed, an action takes place – we let it come and then we let it go. Because ultimately, feeling insecure and looking for validation from someone else, isn’t going to guarantee us feeling better. But loving and caring for ourselves is. It’s simple. But so completely over-thought.