the stranger

the wooden bench felt really hard beneath me.
i slipped my sandals off my feet and crossed my legs on that wood.
music spilled into my ears and filled my soul.
i looked up, only a cardigan on today - that's all i needed.
the bare trees, glimpses of green emerging, stretched across, designing the blue sky.

i breathe.

"you look like a care-giver. is that what you are?"

he disturbs my peace only momentarily.
"an educator, so ya."

"i can tell. there is something about you. some sort of calm presence you have. something that tells me that you are fulfilling your calling - you are doing what you need to be doing."

stranger. on the bench.

"ya, i am. i really feel like i am."

strange how comfortable i am. with this stranger on the bench.

"in this City - it's hard to do that. it's hard to stay calm and focused and feel good about what you do. it's hard. but i just can tell. i can see in you that you are where you are supposed to be."

"ya. thank you. thank you for saying that."

i look straight ahead. deep breathes. how does he know? who he is?

i notice he is picking up his things. getting ready to leave.
introductions.

"well, congratulations on being so angelic."

humbled.
confused.

he's gone.

fresh air surrounds me and a tinge of emotion creeps into my heart. it releases.
moments when the universe is telling you something. trying to make you understand. giving you what you need. my letter from God: received.

sometimes the strangest things happen.

stopping

i woke up today - on the first day of my Baha'i new year in 2012 - i was filled with an overwhelming sense of calm. a strange calm and reassurance that i have not had in a long time. that the tests and trials that the Fast ushered in, have rested. and my heart feels full.

i read something today from one of my friends, amy: Some days we wake up, confident in our ability to face our tests and fail in spectacularly beautiful ways. God willing, there is always tomorrow.

and this resonated on this day. the hopefulness that tomorrow is there to help us conquer and help us forgive. to be kinder to ourselves in our struggle to perfect our already complicated lives.

it's ok to stop sometimes and be proud of where we are.

only a few

it's hard to believe that a month so rich in revelations and moments of clarity has only lent itself to 2 blog posts thus far. seems a disgrace?
or maybe it is the mere reflection of the purpose of these days...more inward thinking. more solid and consistent movement not to be shared. to be cherished privately.

19

tomorrow marks the last day of my 19-day fast. i look back on these days with total gratitude. it was a hard fast. it tested me in so many ways.
things happened during these 19 days that have struck a cord in my soul.
reflection, gratitude, love.
something happens at 3pm when i have no more energy left in me. i am exhausted and feel as though i have nothing left in me to give. so i submit. little things that bothered me, just don't. i move slower, think slower, am not phased by heightened stress.
and then big news came.
life altering news.
needing to sort through the emotions. allowing myself to feel what comes. and just feel it. to sit with it. to let it wash over me.
my distractions become less and less and my awareness more acute.
i sit here on the eve of the 18th day - as the night is about to roll over into the last sunrise i will awaken before - and i read through the thoughts, inspirations, and words of wisdom that my friends around the world share about their own experiences during this time (http://nineteendays.wordpress.com/) and i am completely humbled. each word they say resonates with me and creates a bond and connections even though worlds are between us. their experience feels like my own. their insights feel engrained in me.
i am thankful for these 19 days, carved out of time, for me to focus. on me. on my own spiritual development. on my longing desire to be a better person.

no salmon on myrtle

Today was the 3rd day of my 19 day fast and ALL I wanted for dinner was salmon and salad.
I contemplated going out to dinner and then thought about the money I could save if I just stayed at home. Plus, not to toot my own horn, but my salmon is pretty great (learned from mom and dad).
So I set out to buy salmon and get back in time to cook and be ready for sunset (5:56).

I tried Greenville, the store right near by - no salmon. But I kind of figured as much, they don't carry fish, but I thought I'd try.

Off to Associated, they always have everything. Always.

Nothing. No salmon.

Are you SERIOUS?!?

Ok, the new fancy grocery store two blocks down. They have GOT to have it.

Nope, sorry. Ah!!!!!!

Mr. Coco's. Mr. Coco doesn't carry frozen meat, but maybe - just maybe they will have it.

Nope.

Nothing.

So you know what I did? I bought a smoked salmon fillet. And I cooked it.

Couldn't decide if I liked it or if it was just making me nauseous.