sleep little one

when she was just born, she used to just fall asleep on my chest while i lay on the couch. she would curl her little 7 pound body up and fit right there. i was in heaven and was convinced that every single time i visited her she would fall asleep like that.
boy i was wrong. her squirmy wormy body doesn't sit still anymore. she requires a lot more than just a quiet space and a hug to fall asleep now. so it's been a while.
but the other night, in our hotel room in Florida, it happened.
it was a late night. she still hadn't quite picked up on the time difference, but this particular night, she was just not interested in sleep at all.
her momma and i decided to put on the bachelorette and let her play a little until she got tired.
before long, my sister had passed out and it was now just her and i. i kept watching, she kept playing, completely content to have time to herself.
30 minutes passed. and i finally lay my head on the pillow and pulled her towards me in an attempt for a cuddle. and then she did it. she lay her head right on my chest and passed out.
i lay there in disbelief for a few minutes before a huge smile crossed my face. thank you God, for this tiny gift. it was perfect.

mom's chanting

my mother chants prayers in Persian. she has the most beautiful voice. of course i had always heard it growing up, around the house, when i went bed, in large gatherings, weddings, with friends and with acquaintances.
most recently, however, i have been hearing it as she puts my little niece to sleep. and it works like magic. we will be driving in the car, she will begin to chant, and within seconds - sleep.
it reminds me of my childhood. it reminds me of protection. of feeling taken care of.
today she chanted for the little one. i held her in my arms and mom sat on the rug on the floor and chanted. after 2 prayers she stopped and said: this is the one i would say for you and your sister every day when you lived overseas.
and she chanted. she chanted and tears streamed down her face. as did mine.
and soraya fell asleep in my arms.

peach cobbler

there are so many different types of friendships - each playing a unique role. the friend who you can call when your boyfriend just broke up with you. the friend who you take shopping. the friend who you know will give you the very best advice. the friend who will look at you when you are at your worse and still tell you you are beautiful. all kinds of friends who you know will be there for you, you know you can rely on, you know that you are blessed to have.

and then there are the rare few who completely inspire you. the ones where it feels like they fell from the sky and landed on your face. you can't wait until you see them next because there is just so much to share, process, and figure out.
you can stay up until 4am talking about nothing and then everything. you take out your phone to send a message and there is already one waiting for you.
you know you're lucky when you can laugh and laugh about nonsense and then turn right around in that very instant and carry their burden for them, and them for you.

you are excited when they are excited, nervous when they are nervous, and encouraging when they have no where else to go.
you get to the point where you can look at each other and know the next few words before they have even been uttered. and often times when those words are uttered they are even better and more eloquent than you yourself could have put it. they somehow know your experiences and put them in words before you even know how.
you can anticipate a look, an emotion, a thought - before it even happens.
these are rare friends. friends that you know, somehow, you will always be connected to because your souls have intertwined.
what's most peculiar is when these friendships emerge when you least expect them to, and become solid in ways you wouldn't usually suspect.

there is always that moment when you know. when you realize that you are willing to sacrifice even your own happiness for theirs.
and you look back and see how blessed you are. for their light in your life. for the wonderful way they make you feel. for the person you are when you are around them.

and when you realize, you have to make certain they know.

the suburbs

today we pulled up to the house. way out in the suburbs, where i am visiting family.
a white bag was laying on the front stairs. kind of bulky, you could tell its contents were heavy.
dad picked it up and took it inside.
"dad, you don't even know what that is, why are you bringing that into the house?"
"it's a phone d..."
"a what?!?"
"a phone dire..."
"i can't hear you, a what?!?"...i didn't know if it was that he was actually not finishing his words or that i was in such disbelief that i was refusing to hear him.
"did you say a phone directory? like those big yellow books?"
"yes."
i'll be the first to admit, i had NO idea they even made those anymore.

home?

Tonight is my last night in Brooklyn before leaving for a month long sojourn. I am excited, as I always am before a trip, for the anticipation of what's ahead.
I know already that the time will be rewarding, fruitful, and full of moments that I will forever cherish. Trips are always like that for me. Spending time with family is always like that for me.
But.
For some reason.
This time, it feels different to leave New York. To leave Brooklyn.
Can't quite put my finger on it but I have a feeling it has something to do with finally feeling like this is my home. I am and will always be a traveler. It is by nature what I enjoy. But most of the time when I leave NYC it is a relief.
This time it feels like leaving home.
In almost 7 years this is the first time I have felt like this. I'm not one to feel completely settled or drawn to a place in hopes of settling. But for some reason, this feels like that. Like I'll miss home.
This summer I learned what it means to just be. And to enjoy. And to make this my home.

heat advisory

in the last 7 years of living in NYC, there have been two days, that i know of, that have been designated as "heat advisory" days. these are days where it is too hot for you to even go outside. being outside should be done at your own risk and when you have fully hydrated. these days are exciting, the same way rainy days are, because you feel like you are forced to stay in the house. you can feel that even though the sun is shining and it looks like a glorious day to explore and exert energy, you really don't have do. in fact you shouldn't.
you are doing what you need to be doing. staying indoors. not letting the extreme heat effect you.
something about the ease of that feels just right. and lets you veg at home all day. without any feelings of guilt that you are missing out on summer.

breakfast sandwich.

There is this place that opened up downstairs. I think I have mentioned it before - a 24 hour organic grocery store. Literally right downstairs.
Now I have always been a fan of their things, although, admittedly, they are a little overpriced. However, during my much loved and cherished summer vacation, I get to actually appreciate the full value of this establishment.
Each time I go in, I discover something new and astonishing about them. Like take the other morning for example. It was the first day in summer thus far that I had truly slept in. Groggy, I realized what it was I wanted today. A breakfast sandwich. A breakfast sandwich and an iced coffee. I remembered my old favorite, the place I frequented when I lived a little further down the street. I'd pick up bagels from one place and walk next door to ask them to put the breakfast sandwich they make on my bagel instead of a roll. Bratty? Some may agree - I'd prefer to say that I just know what's good and I'll do whatever it takes to achieve it.
But this morning. This morning that I had slept in and was still a little groggy - that walk was sounding like just too much for a breakfast sandwich, good as it might be.
After taking far longer than needed to put on a dress and get out the door, I decided to just look downstairs and see what they have for breakfast. Maybe they will have a bagel with cream cheese? A croissant? Anything that would taste delicious.
I walk in and receive from them the look that I know means, "how nice that you woke up today" and I walked over to the guy behind the counter and asked if, by any chance, they made breakfast sandwiches.
Yup, we sure do, what do you want on it.
HUH?
What do you want on it?
omg omg omg, internalize, internalize, internalize.
Wait, you guys down here make breakfast sandwiches, like - on a bagel?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ON IT?

I quickly ordered and 2 minutes later was back upstairs taking a bite. Now this could be the most dangerous thing, but in that moment, it was as if the skies had opened up and dropped a little organic market right below my house. Where all my dreams came true.

forgiveness

forgiveness is such a difficult thing. particularly when you are in a position where you feel like the absolute LAST thing that you want to do is forgive.
but holding on to things eats away at you. it makes your soul stagnant. it doesn't allow you to soar. and inevitably, that effects your spirit and your outlook. you stop loving in the way that you used to, you stop giving in a way that's generous and kind, you stop being true to your real nature.

not forgiving causes a burden that you don't even realize is there. until you start to peel it off. even with a tiny peel and you see how different you feel.

there is, however, that fine line between forgiving and being naive. and i think it is the fear of the latter that forces us not to want to forgive. it is our need for justice that begins to cry out - forcing us to hold on to anger, hold on to hurt, hold on to pain.

but then comes that tough part of trusting that the justice comes, it always does. truth finds a way to shine. love finds a way to shine. and there is little you really need to do for that to happen than to wait. now, the thing is, that waiting can take a long time. it requires extreme patience. in that time of waiting, you have a choice. you can either hold on to anger, pain, and hurt and wait for justice to come knocking. or you can free yourself from those things. find love and peace and calm in your heart so that you have the capacity to move forward with grace, with dignity, with kindness.

there will always be that long awaited journey to justice. but how you choose to go down the road is the decision you will need to make for yourself.

and i know that, no matter how painful the circumstance, i choose love. i choose kindness. i choose forgiveness. because in the end, it actually is only hurting me to move forward in any other way.

getting started.

summer has completely started. it was one glorious incredible fantastical week where nothing in the world mattered. i swam, i biked, i talked, i laughed, i cried, i walked. i walked and walked a lot.

summer leads to endless nights. nights that drag on and on and can, because you don't have a care in the world.
i was out yesterday and met this guy. after he asked me what i do and i told him i work in a school - he realized i was on summer break. "ooohhhh, so is that why you have that relaxed calm glow about you?"
yup.
that's it. because that doesn't exist at any other time of the year. it comes out to greet me, and the rest of the wonderful people i encounter, during these months.

but it is this first week that is most refreshing. that allows for a certain sense of freedom that i haven't even let myself feel in so long. i can make spur of the moment decisions and just go with them.

it's been the perfect start to summer.