my brother-in-law

I have this amazing brother-in-law and I don't think I tell him often enough how much I love and appreciate him.

Having someone come into your family can sometimes be hard. As much as you may love the person your sibling has chosen, it ultimately changes the nature of the family dynamic that you have come to know so well. Many times, it can feel like you have lost that member of your family as they go off to create their own.

But I knew from the beginning that not only was my brother-in-law ok with me preserving my relationship with my sister, he encouraged it. A few months before their wedding, my sister and I talked about taking a road trip from Arizona to New Mexico to visit our cousin. My sister said - let me just check with Nate, maybe he wants to come or maybe this isn't a good time.
So she did.
And I waited to see, to see how this new impending marriage would change my life.
What did he say?
He said - of course you should go. This is probably one of the last times before you get married where it's just you and your sister doing something together. You need this time together.
And I knew then - I knew then that I wasn't loosing my sister, but I was gaining a brother, truly.
The way he responded to that has been the way he has welcomed me whole heartedly and with wide open arms into the new family he and my sister have created. He allows me to maintain the relationships I had, while fostering the new ones that have been born. And for that I am forever grateful.

I was recently on my flight over to Arizona and I thought - I should tell Nate how much I love him...I don't know if I do that enough.
I got off the flight in a hurry to catch my shuttle to Tucson. I got off so fast that I left my book in the pocket of the seat in front of me.
"Crap!" I texted my sister and Nate, "I left my book on the plane. Oh well. :("
"What book was it?" - Nate.
"The House on Mango Street." The book had been gifted to me and I was devastated to have lost it.
"Oh, sorry." - Nate.
"That sucks." - my sister.

I rode the two hours to the shuttle stop in Tucson. Got out and there was my brother-in-law to pick me up. Huge hug. "I'm so glad you're here."

Warm desert sunshine on my face, content smile. He takes my luggage - never let's me carry anything unless I want to. Always takes care of things.

He opens the side door for me, pushes the seat up, places the suitcase in the back, and then pushes the seat back again so I can sit. And there sitting on the front passenger seat of the car - The House on Mango Street.

I love my brother-in-law.

business adds to craziness.

weekends become a time to catch up on life and a time to catch up with friends and family.
and when you have many friends and family who live overseas, weekends become skype times which can only happen at odd hours of the day.
so trying to get ready to meet friends in real time while having a conversation with someone in time zone time, makes it really hard to have your entire brain present.
add to that the paraphernalia of gathering up winter items before you leave the house, and you're a goner.
grabbed my coat, my hat, my purse. add the camera, sunnies!, gloves, scarf. birthday gift!
out the door.
running...
so...
late...
catch a cab.
still talking on the phone.
"13th and 3rd please."

almost there, a block away...
fish for my wallet.
can't
find
it
take the entire contents of my purse out and dump it on the backseat of the cab.
no, nnnoooo, NNOOO!!!
"um, um, sir?"
no response.
"um, sir...i, i, i forgot my wallet."
Scrreeeeccchhhhh. He hit the brakes.
"What?"
"i'm so so sorry. honestly, i have no idea how this even happened. um, ok, i will pay you. i just can't pay you now."
looks at me over the rim of his glasses, he's not buying it.
"listen, i promise. i swear. give me your address, i'll send you money. i'm so sorry - i have no idea how this even happened." the tears start to form.
he releases the brake, begins driving.
"ok, just give me your address - i'll send you the money - i PROMISE i will."
"ok, ok, i know, ok."

gets me, safe and sound, to my destination.
writes down his address and says - $12.50.
"i'll send you $20, thank you sir, thank you."

jump out the car. relieved that what they say about New Yorkers isn't true.
walk towards the restaurant trying to figure out HOW i'm going to make it through the rest of the day.

jumbled

heart racing, body numb.
thoughts circling in and out and all around.
the crevices of my mind.

too much to process that eventually spills into not being able to control.
overcome with emotion, rage, hurt, anger, injustice.
that swells and subsides all too quickly.

trying to make sense, to talk myself out of, to explain.
but it all jumbles.
and time.
doesn't exist.

time just sits there being occupied by other things.
trying to cry to release the pain.
but it doesn't come.
it's stubborn. it wants to stay.

underlying current of sadness dictates.
trying to come to peace.
to love.
to see again the way i used to.